Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
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[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?