#DesignFail
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{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.