Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
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If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Its true…
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”