My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
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Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Note to self: always read the final line
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
it must be school picture day
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.