everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
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*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I鈥檓 trapped in a continuous loop
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
馃ぃ馃槶 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it鈥檚 still today
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf