whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
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Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
liiiiiiiiike
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂