Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
You Might Also Like
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
The Onion called it…again.
Who’s your best friend?
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
wishing you and yours all the best
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
*weighs self after shaving
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem