SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
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In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo