I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.