Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth