wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
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No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Is….Is this an option?