Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
You Might Also Like
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”