Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
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Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on