Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
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Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.