The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
You Might Also Like
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.