ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
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my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.