If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
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The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Canadian owl: Eh?
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.