tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
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Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
This did not end as expected.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”