Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
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I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
A wise man once said nothing.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*