Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
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Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.