I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
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Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Watermelon Boss!
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
My Sentiments Exactly
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
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