[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
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Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Finally a use for spoilers…
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird