Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
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me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
😂🤣😂🤣
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists