I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
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My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Batman v Dracula
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like