hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
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Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Good morning!