ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
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Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.