My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
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*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.