If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
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You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are