Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
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It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Cinematography is my passion
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job