ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
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[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!