The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
me before I type out affect or effect
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.