casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
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Called it
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them