Are you ok, human???
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Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama