me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
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The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I am patiently waiting for your email
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.