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Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them