SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
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me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.