What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
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My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
ugh not again
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping