I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
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Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’