[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
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People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”