Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
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Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
new shirt idea
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Are you a cat person or a person person?