melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
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After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
i love modern commerce
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.