SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
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If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
*ernest hemingway voice*