me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
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If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
The fall of Netflix
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.