It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
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Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I think we should hear other voices.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Whoa 😂
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
can’t talk my ride’s here