I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
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Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
What a kind woman! 😂😂
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
my mind
You just read my mind
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.