Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
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date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Important reminders
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”