[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
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A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat