“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
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I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.