I miss this era type of pranks😭
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*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Potatoes were such a good idea
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever