Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
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Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic